This Earthen Vessel

As the year draws to a close and I stand on the threshold of a new beginning, I find myself almost daily drifting into a moment of deep reflection. While the cycle of years is a familiar rhythm, this particular transition feels different. The depth of God’s work in my life throughout these past months has been extraordinary, and I’m compelled to capture and honor these significant experiences.

In 2024, the ministry I serve with continues it’s journey of transformation, one that has touched the very core of my being. I’ve grown so much in just a year! I’ve learned how to shed the weight of harsh, accusatory voices—or rather, one voice in particular. This voice, though distant, loomed like a tyrannical specter, its echoes reaching me even now through the whispers of others. Yet, I stand firm in the knowledge that the accusations hurled at me are unfounded, and God above bears witness to my innocence. This knowledge has brought me immense peace.

In fact, just in the past few weeks, I realized that my sleep has greatly improved this year since the changes made in 2023 at the ministry. Many sleepless nights I suffered through dark torment, with intense warfare, I could feel it’s malevolent presence that wanted me to cease to be. It was THAT dark.

Constant accusations of selfish ambition, verbal and non-verbal, frequent accusations of playing a victim often sent my head spinning in trying to figure out if this was true, asking others for advice and clarity. I’m slowly healing from the trauma of it all, and actually alot of healing has taken place, but the tentacles went deep and I’m still experiencing residual memories, however, those are dissipating. I make reasonable effort to own where I’m strong and where I am weak.

Ultimately, God knows my heart, that I have no aspirations to be famous, and due to my fathers sacrifice of his family for riches, I have no desire to be rich, but only in Christ Jesus. And, I’ll add, the Lord said to me, “ Tell them what I’ve done for you”. All of that drama is behind me now, and, thankfully, my heart swells with gratitude for this newfound serenity, yet I remain vigilant. I fervently pray that my spirit never calcifies, never becomes so rigid and self-righteous that I’m blind to my own shortcomings. May I always possess the strength and humility to receive correction and willingness to confront any broken behavior I might harbor.

“Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord:”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭102‬:‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

With every fiber of my being, I implore the Lord to grant me the wisdom to discern truth, the courage to acknowledge it, and the grace to embrace it. Let my reactions never be rooted in the poisonous soil of bitterness or anger, like it was in my earthly father. Instead, may my words and actions spring from a place of love, humility, understanding, and a genuine desire for growth. I choose the arduous but rewarding journey of biblical self-reflection and continuous dependence upon the Lord for growth. Jesus, please keep my heart soft, pliable and yielded, my mind open and full of God’s word, and my spirit aligned with truth in love.

At my church’s Christmas Eve service, we sang ” Joy to the world”, and, for the first time, my heart felt the weight of the words to this song, the significance of the truth ” Let earth receive HER King”. How many people sing this song without the realization of it’s powerful truth. As we sang it and the words left my lips, emotion began to well up within me, and I felt like a layer had been peeled away and I was given a revelation of the beautiful significance of Jesus’ birth.

In fact, this year in particular I have been reflecting specifically on the significance of Jesus being the hope for all mankind, that through the old testament, again and again, prophecies, types and shadows, and promises of a seed, have dominated my thoughts and heart. I’ve felt more deeply impacted by God’s intentionality in not only making a way for His people, but in His choosing to come to earth, be born as a human, and then lay His life down so that I may have life, this truth has been and is continuing to jolt my heart with devotion and love toward Jesus for His great kindness.

This year I have experienced a solidifying of the foundation of my faith. I experienced emotional growth and maturity, and a deepening of my faith and walk with Jesus. And I experienced the joy of watching my clients grow in our journey together, and marvel that I had anything to do with what God is doing in them. I’m thankful He let me be a part of it. My studies for my Biblical Guidance counseling class has been challenging but rewarding, and I’m looking forward to the fruit it will produce in my work as a men’s minister. I now have more books than I had ever dreamt I’d read. It’s a joy and a dread, where will I find the time to read them all?

I had two more stents put in at the end of May. It’s a reminder that my life is but a vapor. Jesus help me to redeem the time I have left on this earth.

I have so much I want to see happen in this next year. More growth, more surrender, a deeper, more intimate fellowship with the Lord, and a deeper ingraining of His Word within me. I’m aware that there is a war on biblical love. You know, the ” Love the Lord your God with all you heart, mind, strength and your neighbor as yourself.” A few months ago, I was either reading or listening to a podcast but the speaker was saying that his challenge is to see everyone he comes into contact as Jesus in disguise. This is very convicting.

I’ve been so full of my opinions, and self-righteousness. And I have to learn to die to it regularly, but that’s easier said than done. I don’t want to be that man. The word tells us that people will know we are his disciples by our love for one another. I want to make sure, the person I am around others, or in private, is the person I am in public.

I try not to spend a whole lot of time on social media, as it drains the life out of you, always trying to stay on top of letting everyone know what you are doing, saying, eating, thinking, etc. It can be fun to feel like you’re gettng a peek into the life of someone you care about. But if you’re not spending time in relationship and fellowship with these people, then social media is only a placebo for the real thing. I want the real thing. There are people I am friends with on social media that have nothing to do with me, or that I have nothing to do with them. It gives me a terrible, empty feeling.

On this last day of 2024 , I am taking some time to chill out, and do some leisure reading. The book I’m reading is Julia Child’s book, “As always”, chronicling her pen pal letters with Avis DeVoto. It’s a fascinating glimpse into life in the 1950’s. It’s interesting for Julia to refer to that period of time in her life as the “dark ages.” Modern conveniences were just starting to make the scene, such as dishwashers. But the rythym of life back then, the way her and Paul made any dwelling place, a home, was fascinating. You hear her high-pitched nasaly voice speaking, making it more intriguing. Sometimes I’ve imagined what it might be like to have a day, just a day, to go back in time to that day and experience everything, well, what one could in a day, but you get the idea. When I think of what life is like now, compared to 70+ years ago, what a shift that is, the cost of things, food, pace of life. All so very different. And I bet, even back then, older folks were feeling like everything was moving so fast.

Starting tomorrow, I count down 6 months to turning 60. That will be an interesting day I think. Maybe not. Milestones were like the end of the world for my dad. His birthday fell in June, toward the end. A summer birthday, and we were camping at either Lake Eufala, or Texoma, and he turned 40. His reaction to this was emotional and intense. I benefitted being a teenager that I could just walk away and disappear for long periods of time to get away from him. Now I think about and wish we would have had the type of relationship where I could have in depth conversations with him, asking him about the difficulties he had with turning 40 and why it was a negative experience for him. It’s been a year since he passed. Those quesitons will never be answered.

I see younger generations that are hungry for truth. They need facts. They need men and women who are bearers of truth, who lives show they love the truth, and who are not secretly practicing the sin they are decrying from the pulpits. They need people who are living examples of the word of God.

I’m a bit disenchanted with meme’s and quotes on social media that appear to make a statement, but untimately gets shared over and over, then gets drowned out in a matter of moments to a ever renewing feed. I feel it keeps the life of the person quoting them like this distant picture you admire from afar but never experience in person. For example, back in the 70s my dad had tons of pictures covereted to slide, (this example makes my point more succinctly.) If I were to hold up one of his slides, you might be able to make out some detail in the image, but unless I put it into a slide projector, you will miss a great many details that show up through the projector. This is what I mean about meme’s and quotes. We see it, it resonates, we agree with it, and then walk away to focus on the various items needing tending to in our day. But if we were to have spent time with the person who made the quote or meme, our take away would be much different and perhaps more life altering and impacting as a result.

True discipleship goes beyond mere words or images shared online. The Bible tells us that Jesus “learned obedience from what he suffered” (Hebrews 5:8). This profound truth challenges me to consider my own spiritual growth. If Christ Himself grew through trials, how can I expect to deepen my faith without the challenges that make me step out in faith to apprehend what I need to face them? I’ve always felt, as I’m sure many also have, that everything we are told about how Jesus lived, walked, talked in His 3 years of ministry are meant to be a template. How can I expect to learn obedience if I’m unwilling to lose my life for His sake, as Jesus lost His life for mine? And how do people know I love Him? How do they know I walk with Him? What about my life tells people that I’m a lover and follower of Jesus Christ? I’m more aware of these questions going in 2025.

I want them to inspire, influence, and define the path of my walk with Jesus this year.

I want His word to shape walk my walk with Him looks like going forward.

I want His life to shape my walk with Him and how I live it.

So, farewell 2024. You have been a great year of growth, and a year of hope. I am thankful you happened.

In William Gurnalls book, The Christian in Complete Armour, he makes a really astute assertation to professing Christians.

“Let this exhort you, then, Christian, to petition God for the holy determination and bravery you must have to follow Christ. Without it you cannot be what you profess. The fearful are those who march for hell (Revelation 21:8; the valiant are they who take heaven by force (Matthew 11:12). Cowards never won heaven. Do not claim that you are begotten of God and have His royal blood running in your veins unless you can prove your lineage by this heroic spirit: to dare to be holy in spite of men and devils.”