This Earthen Vessel

I’ve been in deep reflection today. A friend whom I love is dying. I might have prostate issues, I’m doing recovery work which has been wonderful and healing, and I’m deeply lonely. I haven’t quite figured out how to manage friendships so that my true relational needs get met. It’s hard when one has spend a lifetime believing they have nothing or very little of value to offer in friendship. That may not be true, but it’s a battle I’ve had to wage for a very long time. Even now, my thoughts wander back to 1978 I think, I was a teenager, in a play called ” George Washington slept here”. I was with two older teenage girls, only one I remember a name. Theresa Ptacik, and I’ve probably butchered her last name, she drove an old car, and would play “My Sharona” by the Knack. It was after one of the many rehearsals, and we were getting pizza. I don’t know why I chose this moment to ask the ever important question of “how do I get people to like me?” But I did. And both of them answered ” Just be yourself”. I was dumbfounded. Literally. I had no understanding of this response. I didn’t know what it meant for me to “be myself”. Who was I? I had no clue. Might as well have given me the answer to an Algebra equation because my reaction and internal response would have been the same. The Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz had more understanding than I did. In some ways, sometimes, for a moment, I feel that kid is somewhere still inside, still lost, still yearning for connection and friendship. All I got up to that point in my young teenage life was adult men using me for sex. That was my connection, and it was incredibly confusing.

My recovery since 2001 has been ongoing. I know, that’s a long time to be in recovery. But it’s more than just recovery. It’s being able to see and face each layer of brokenness, confront each lie. Most recently it’s been uncovering how, going into any event which is either mostly or all men, that I felt intimidated, scrutinized, judged, criticized, rejected. One Saturday morning, at a men’s church retreat that , in trepidation, I signed up for. That day, in the first part of the retreat, while receiving prayer for a profound father-wound, heard the Lord say to me,” you encounter your father in every man you meet.” Hot, stinging tears came, I knew Jesus was helping me to see why I always felt not quite connected to the world of men. My disapproving, angry, disappointed father, who walked away from me because I wasn’t the son he wanted in practically every way, was there in every man. I once read in a devotional, that when you meet a man, you meet his fig leaf. Apparently mine has been big enough to hide in.

I’m still fighting this battle it seems, and I’m closer now to winning it for good than I’ve ever been. I’m thankful for the people God has put in my life who demonstrate that I have value to them. The fact that the Lord speaks to me indicates that He values me as well. If I lost everything, the one thing I can walk away with forever, is that Jesus left the 99 to rescue me and bring me into that place of safety and relationship. There’s a cross that gives witness that I have value and, that because I’m made in the image of God, He in interesting in the formation of His image in me. None can take that away from me even if they tried. This has been a most unexpected year of growth for me. I found the strength to stand up for myself in confidence, against the accusation that any desire to make myself a better offering to the church, to the community, was all about selfish ambition and ego. I found the strength to look at God’s gifting in me, and have the confidence to start walking out what He has put in me. I faced the truth that the wounding by my father and other father figures had reduced me to the sum of whatever they said I was. I got my meaning, my position as a son, a brother, a man, from them, rather than from God. I read in God’s word that it’s those that are led by the Holy Spirit that are the sons of God. It does NOT say that it is those led by those who claim to know him, that are the sons of God. So, now I’m looking unto Jesus, who is the author and finisher of my faith ( not man) to lead me in the way I should go. I’m learning to let go of old ways of relating, old ways of responding, old ways of thinking. I’m also learning that I can and should stand up for myself when abusive people in leadership choose to mistreat or hurt me in the name of Jesus. It is NOT ethical and most certainly not a betrayal when I stand up for myself and say no more, especially when I say it in love. It is a difficult, painful journey, but one I’m grateful to the Lord to be on. I love where He’s brought me and all that He’s doing in me. The others I work with are saying they see the change. I have confidence in Jesus, in what He is doing. And I’m learning how to stand on the legs He’s given me. His word has been such an encouragement to me, and its effect on my life is to boldly stand and proclaim what he has done for me.

UPDATE 10-7-23

Since I first wrote this post, my friend went on to be with Jesus. I did have issues with my prostate, and I also had a kidney stone. I’ve since started a Biblical Guidance Counseling program that promises to equip me to be a good offering to the ministry I work for. Today, I’m seeing God move in wonderful ways, deepening friendships, going deeper in God’s word, watching Him move in the lives of the men I am doing pastoral care for. Recently I read a passage in Ephesians 4:1-16 that has greatly impacted me. Paul starts off calling himself a prisoner of the Lord, in that position he compels us to walk worthy of the calling with which we are called, and then says this, It’s characterized by lowliness and gentleness first, and then long-suffering, and bearing with one another in love. You know what it’s not? Boasting about how humble one is. For instance, as a leader, if I am making sure the public hears me say things that sound humble, and then with those I am intimately acquainted with, behaving in a completely opposite manner, then I’m not really a man of humility. If a leader mistreats people telling them they can either be a victim or a victor, then I think that leader mistreats people. And it certainly isn’t a betrayal telling that person enough is enough. Especially If the Lord Himself opens the door to be able to do so. I pray that if God ever raises me up that I conduct myself with greater humility with gentleness (Eph 4:2) behind closed doors, than in public. In fact, If I am practicing this behind closed doors then it’s going to be silently communicated in public. It’s disingenuous for any leader to treat anyone with contempt and then shame them for not being happy about the treatment. I once had someone do something that made me look bad, and when I wasn’t happy about it, I was told I could be a victim or a victor.

And yesterday, Loren Cunningham went on to be with the Lord. What a legacy this man left. One of the things I remember about Loren from his book ” Is that really you God?” It chronicles his journey into ministry and as a leader how he treated those under his leadership with respect, kindness, and humility consistently. I remember when Alan Chambers, the former president of Exodus seemed to become the sole face of Exodus how I felt that there was something wrong with that ideology. I remember, years ago, how it was mentioned that it was unethical for Alan to become the sole face of Exodus, and I completely agree. One man should never climb up on a pedestal in ministry. The higher the pedestal, the more damaging the fall, even if it’s not due to sexual immorality. Pride, arrogance, narcissism, gaslighting, and bullying are just as bad as sexual sin. This makes me so much more circumspect about how I conduct myself with my co-workers and the people we serve alongside and those we serve.

You know who IS a Victor? Jesus. Isn’t that amazing? So much hope.

So, I reflect, on what amazing things He has done for me this year, and will be doing in the coming rest of the year and beyond. He has indeed, done great things. ” For He who is mighty has done great things for me, And holy is His name. Luke 1:49