Typically, at the start of the new year, people begin to “start over”, in other words, New Years Resolution! While the idea of it has resonated with me, it’s been unrealistic to suddenly make these goals when I haven’t put the effort into establishing ongoing healthy habits. We mean well, but it’s unrealistic, and to be honest, I don’t like being trapped into a corner, as this feels it does to me.
My 2024 started off with a lightning bolt. Let me back up though, to last June.
I’ve mentioned, I believe that early last year I attended a men’s retreat put on by my church. I had a hesitancy about it, based on my own brokenness, but I chose to dive in spite of my fears and went. At this retreat, one of the leaders had a word from the Lord about men who had a traumatic and painful relationship with their earthly fathers and it made doing friendship and relationship with other men difficult if not impossible. Raising my hand reluctantly, I affirmed I was one of them, and I was feeling a bit exposed, as he was seemingly telling everyone one of my areas of brokenness, thankfully, one or two more guys also raised their hands. The rest of the men came around us and laid hands on us, and suddenly tears began to fall. The painful truth lay before me, and as I was receiving these powerful prayers over me, I heard the Lord speak. He said ” you encounter your father in every man that you meet.” And there it was. For the first time I’m seeing the why’s behind my difficulty in building strong, healthy friendships with men. At any event where there was a large number of men, I would walk into a room full of my father. Disapproving, disappointed, not the son he wanted, not enough of a man to be one of them. Never measuring up. Disqualified before I ever had a chance to prove myself.
I have a few friends that I cherish sharing what God is doing because what they share with me ends up being another building block to this walk of faith I’m in. At church, I was sharing with a friend about what had happened, and she responded with, ” isn’t it amazing that now the Lord has set you free from that, you’re now able to partake in the gifts and life of Christ in every man you meet”. What a profound and wonderful statement that was for me. That amazing perspective has strengthened me to walk into church with greater confidence. I am a Son of God. He redeemed my life from the pit, and I have significance, because I am.
Then some time before Father’s Day, having already purchased the card, I began to take time, sitting in my car, looking at this card that had not yet been signed or addressed to dad, to consider the reality about our lives and dads Alzheimers. I had been sending birthday and Father’s Day cards for years. No response. No thank you. Many years ago dad set the expectation, if I wanted anything to do with him, or wanted him in my life, then I would have to do all the leg work. No reciprocation. When I think about how all these years, since my parents divorced, I had a love for my dad in spite of being abandoned, in spite of having a front row seat to all his infidelity in their marriage, in spite of never being the son he wanted. I think that’s why it was really easy to extend forgiveness, grace, and mercy when I surrendered all to Jesus Christ and began experiencing His power at work in my life.
So here I was, sitting in my car, and pondering prayerfully about this card, and I felt the Lord impress on me that It was okay to let dad go. In that moment, I had peace. Knowing that my stepmother had an extreme dislike for me and for others in the family, and that, in reality, anything I sent was probably being thrown away. She was the only person I had contact with that knew anything, and in times past when she answered the phone, it was always to hang up on me. Dad’s birthday followed closely after Father’s Day, and letting him go meant I would never mail anything again. I had demonstrated for years my honor and love for him, sometimes sending a letter, or just letting him know that I was praying for them. And I was.
I had already been liberated from one demanding, berating and accusing voice, and now I was letting go of a father whom I had no friendship with, no relationship, always being the son he never really wanted, and never measured up to. Accepting the Lord’s invitation brought me a peace I had not anticipated. In a sense I now felt strengthened to stand on my own, and rise up in the good of the masculine that God had created for me to be. The summer of 2023 found me pressing forward instead of shrinking back. I found I could stand up for myself and it was a good thing. Such a strange thing to experience for the first time in my 58 years. The summer through the fall was a season of growth and maturity as I worked through some trauma from abuse, from the past, from the present, and able to see more clearly for the future. All throughout I was dependent upon the Lord to help me. He had protected me twice in 2023, and opened a door for me to have a voice.
A week before Christmas, my dad’s half-sister Barbara, reached out to me to let me know he was in a nursing home. Because of the Alzheimer’s, he began having trouble swallowing. Once he was in the nursing home, my stepmother changed their phone number, without letting anyone know the number she could be reached to find out how he was doing. I decided to see if I could find him and saw a number of nursing homes near where dad’s house was. My first inquiry was successful, and I spoke to a wonderful nurse who was kind and sweet. And I hoped for a chance to go see him. Knowing he might not be conscious, or that he wouldn’t know who I was, I at least wanted a chance to love on him one last time before he got worse.
On the 4th of January, 2024, Barbara tried to call me and then messaged me. I was with a client at the time, so I couldn’t answer, but when a message popped up, I knew it was important. Dad had passed away on Dec 26 th, and his funeral was the 2nd of Jan. Barbara had felt that she needed to see if there was an obituary on dad, and there was. When I went to the tribute page, I was horrified to see that it had been curated to appear as if my stepmother was his only family. I couldn’t just walk away from that. I posted a photo of dad and I when I was around 5-6, it was around Christmas, and he and I were standing in front of the Christmas tree, with him behind me with his hands on my shoulders, I stated that I was so grateful he was no longer suffering and I was grateful God gave him to be my dad. And I encouraged Barbara to do something similar.
One thing I have been learning, is that the enemy of our souls loves to get us angry, offended and bitter. How is it that we, as believers, have the capacity to sin egregiously against others and yet, because we think so highly of ourselves, can go off into such bitterness and offense at those who learn how to stand up for themselves? My father was very much like this. I remember talking to him and I wasn’t addressing the past with him but he made a point of letting me know his slate was clean because he asked God to forgive him so he owed no-one anything. Someone else I knew, a former friend, is kind of like this. No accountability for bad or unacceptable behavior and then such consternation if anyone had an issue with it. Everything is everyone else’s fault, anyone who disagreed with him is a betrayer. Recently I was reading Corrie ten Boom’s book, Jesus is Victor, and she made a remarkable statement, ” by my own suffering, I understood a fraction of Jesus’ suffering. She and Betsie suffered malnutrition, mistreatment, having to parade naked, emaciated past a line of German officers, being sneered at and laughed at, cruel punishment. Betsie knew the sting of a whip, and then there’s the fleas, and lice, etc. And through all of what they endured she still managed to say she only knew a fraction of Christ’s suffering. Yet this man I know compares his suffering to be identical to what Jesus went through. Lots of prayer goes up for this man.
This week I received a call that my stepmother passed away. 6 months after dad. And there was sadness there, of what was lost, of huge disconnection, and arrogance, pride, and offense. After dad passed away, I prayed for her, because I’m sure she was grieving his loss, and I was grieving her loss too. I have been able to process these three losses in my life, and Jesus has buoyed me wonderfully. While there has been pain, I’ve really been able to release it to the Lord and pray for these three. While I carry the memory of what I have experienced through these three individuals, I have been able to release the offense to Jesus and to pray for them. I’m experiencing more growth in the last 16 months than in the past 7 years, which is significant. And I am taking with me the truth that not only is the Lord with me, but He has walked beside me through these experiences. There has been pain, yes, great pain. But moreso Joy. I chose Joy, and I walk in peace before the Lord.
This Earthen Vessel 